Coming Out

Last night, when I was vegging out, scrolling through FaceBook I came across a few posts about National Coming Out Day. I'm always conflicted when I see these things. Coming out was a process for me. It was not easy. Short story, which I do believe I've shared here before, is that when my mother suspected that I was in a relationship with a woman I was kicked out of the house. I always feel a need to say, "Protect yourself!" when I see what could be construed as across the board encouragement for people to come out and that things "get better."

After some consideration, I decided to make a post. I tried to be very thoughtful in my wording. To acknowledge the support I have received and for which I am beyond thankful (including my mother's --while there will always be some element of hurt and lost trust, we have come a long way and that isn't something I take for granted), while also acknowledging that coming out can be hard and asking for compassion from those who find themselves being "come out" to.

Here is what I wrote:

Coming out can be a very difficult process for so many of us. Speaking to my own experience, it is terrifying to worry how the people who matter most to you will react. Please be kind. Please try to put your fears and prejudices aside and show love to anyone who trusts you enough to come out to you. It may not be easy for you, but I am almost certain that it is harder for them.

My heartfelt gratitude to everyone who has supported me since I came out and who supports me now.

I knew if my mom saw my post she might feel defensive. I hoped that she would take it for what it was --a call for empathy. Support for those who need it. Unfortunately she did not. She wrote a response in which she tried to justify her actions. The two of us have had these conversations. As much as I am ever going to, I understand that her fear came from a place of love. I really have tried to move on. It's been 17 years. She does her best to show support now for myself, Jen and the kids. I wasn't trying to rehash anything. Not trying to make anyone feel guilty.

Anyway, the result is that because of her response I felt the need to further defend/explain myself. To seek reassurances and perspective from friends whose opinions I value. In many ways I think the post was successful in opening some interesting topics up for discussion. But still, it's been an emotional day which was very much NOT the intention.

Trying to navigate feelings that will always be hurt while trying to reassuring the person who hurt them in the first place... it's hard.

So that's what's been up here in the past 24 hours. I realize I need to update on the past three months, and I will try to get there. My brain has been pretty full lately.

Our Runaway Rainbow and a Giveaway from Sarah's Silks

Rainbows have a long tradition of being used to symbolize diversity, inclusiveness, and hope.  Though we've never owned a rainbow flag, bumper sticker or other rainbow paraphernalia, when my wife and I went to buy The Bean his first playsilk, it was the rainbow silk we were drawn to.  It seemed fitting for a little boy with two moms; but even without that as a factor, it was too beautiful to pass up.  

It quickly became the go-to for a game of peek-a-boo.  Then it became a ghost costume.  Tied around his shoulders it was a cape.  Around his waist it was a skirt.  On his head it was his princess hair.  The versatility of this "toy" is one of the reasons we wanted it for our son in the first place.  It proved a good choice.  Two years we had added another playsilk to our collection so that The Bean and Sprout could each have one for some creative play.

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When we were invited to participate in WorldPride this past June, our host asked us to come decked out in rainbow gear.  I immediately though how perfect it would be to put the playsilk over the canopy of our stroller as we marched down the streets of Toronto.  Unfortunately in the hubbub of getting downtown and in place to march our beautiful playsilk blew away.  By the time we realized it, it was too late.  We tried to backtrack, but it was gone.  We were more than a little bit upset, but tried to get over it quickly as upset is not the mood one wants to be in at a Pride celebration.    

Even without the playsilk decorating our stroller, the parade was amazing.  

Still, we wanted to replace our playsilk.  While browsing, I saw that Sarah was looking for bloggers to review her products.  Hopeful, I reached out to her.  She graciously agreed to send some products to review, and even suggested a giveaway for our readers!  

The Bean was so excited when we received the Sarah's Silks package in the mail.  He eagerly tore into it and wanted to play with the new toys right away.  I draped the silk scape over our dining room table and the kids hung out in their "fort" while I grabbed some sweaters so we could go outside.  

Once outdoors, The Bean and Sprout ran in and out under their new rainbow silk scape, giggling joyfully.  The Bean then donned our starry night playsilk as a cape, while Sprout put on the rainbow cape and grabbed the other wand we had and then took turns turning me and each other into different animals.  After a short time that turned into more running across the lawn, this time with capes and wands trailing behind them.  Since then the playsilks have been used as blankets and babycarriers.  I'm curious to see what they get used as next.  

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If you think your little one(s) would enjoy playing with one of the items at sarahssilks.com, please leave a comment  on this post saying what you think they would like best.  A winner of a $50 gift certificate (courtesy of Sarah), will be randomly selected a week from today.  Good luck!  

WorldPride

This past week and a bit WorldPride celebrations have been going on in Toronto.

With bedtime and babysitters, it's not nearly as easy as it once was for us to go out, as I'm sure some of you can relate.  And honestly, Jen and I aren't big partiers, but we did want to take part in at least some of the festivities.  

We found out that one of our favourite bands was playing in the headlining spot the closing night of the event.  The show was advertised as starting at 7pm.  A bit of a stretch for the little ones, but surely doable to take them along.  The Bean was pretty excited about it.  

A few weeks ago a friend, who is a designer, posted that her company was designing all the official merch for the event and she was looking for people to march with her contingent in the parade.  Now, as I said before, I'm not really super into Pride, but this was WorldPride and we had the opportunity to march in it.  I mean, that's pretty frickin' cool.  I shot her a message to figure out details.  Unfortunately, the parade fell dead in the middle of nap time the same day as the concert. Jen and I agreed that trying to do both was probably pushing it.

So we made plans to go to Family Pride on Saturday morning and closing concert on Sunday evening.  Then we found out that the headliners for the closing concert weren't scheduled to take the stage until close to 10pm.  Change of plans.  Our go-to babysitters actually asked us to see if we wanted them to watch the kids so we could go to the concert when we told them.  Sounded good to us.  I got back in touch with our friend and asked if it'd be too late to join the parade.  She said that it wasn't and that she'd be happy to have us.  

Saturday morning we headed down to the family event.  The kids had a good time running around participating in a lot of what they had to offer --train rides, bouncy castles, games, etc.  (I remembered my camera, but forgot the SD card, so we have no photos.)  We also ran into Ashleigh and Teagan from 2moms2dogs2babies, Jessica and Sadie from MommaOak, and Alex from Half a Dozen of the Other.

Sunday after lunch we loaded the kids into their strollers and headed downtown.  We made it right at the scheduled time, then we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Sprout eventually fell asleep for a much-needed nap while The Bean made friends with the other people in our group.  Sprout woke up and The Bean started losing it just as we were ready to start the parade (many hours behind schedule).  

Though again things hadn't really gone as planned, both kids did remarkably well once we started walking.  They waved to people and blew kisses (adorable!) and seemed to enjoy watching the people in both the parade and the crowd.  

We finished marching and treated both kids to a huge popsicle before heading on the subway back home.  We were all exhausted.  Jen and I decided to forego the concert and instead finished up the second season of OITNB.  I sort of regret this decision (favourite band, WorldPride, a big rainbow over the whole event after a crazy cloudburst -seriously!) but I also know that we would have barely been able to function if we had gone.  

Nothing quite as planned, but a once in a lifetime opportunity and a fun celebration of Pride with the whole family.

Proud? Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day

This blog post is part of the June 2, 2014 synchroblog “Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day”  Be sure and check out the other posts! You can find the list here!  

WorldPride is being held in Toronto at the end of this month.  It's usually about this time I start hearing bits and pieces about Pride.  Often Jen and I talk about which of the events we would like to attend --sometimes the big parade, other times one of the concerts, last year it was the family events at the public school in the gay village.  I'm sure we'll have that discussion again soon and mark on the calendar when we're going to head down town to join in the festivities.  And while I've have enjoyed myself in the past, and will surely enjoy myself this year and into the future, the truth is that Pride really isn't my thing.

Don't get me wrong --I love living in a city and country where it feels "okay to be gay."  I love that we are friends with gay and lesbian people and parents.  But I would not use the word "proud" to describe my feelings about my sexual orientation.

I didn't choose to be gay.  In fact, if I could have chosen, I probably would have chosen to be straight.  Though I'm completely at peace (now) with my sexual orientation, it's not something I am proud of.  To me, being proud of being gay feels akin to being proud that I'm a twin, or that I have detached earlobes.  It's not something I did.  It's just who I am.

However, I am proud that I stood up for who I am.  That I stayed true to myself even though I lost family members and friends.  I am proud of the work that has gone into my relationship with Jen.  Dating long-distance for six years.  Making it through the immigration process.  And I am proud of our wonderful children and the dedication that creating our family took.

If that's what Pride is about, count me in.

both/and

My dear friend, Lee Hicks, created this video.  I thought some in this community may enjoy it. 



For educators who wish to share this with their students, there are also lesson plans and curriculum connections for the Ontario Curriculum available at My GSA. 

I am so proud of of Lee for all he has accomplished here.  I hope this message is spread far and wide. :) 

Soapboxing About Gay YA

Since Allison has gone back to school I’ve been listening to the CBC a lot at home while hanging out with The Bean.  It’s Canada’s version of NPR.  


I do it for a few different reasons -- staying up on the news, company, background noise.  I must admit that I enjoy listening to it more than I thought it would and this story is a great example of why.  

Last week a show called Q featured an interview with two authors who were trying to sell a Young Adult novel that contained a gay character.  They were told by a big-deal agent to either “straighten-up” the character or cut him and she’d take the book.  This, along with other rejections they suspected to be linked to the character, prompted them to write an open letter calling the issue to light.  You can read their letter here.

I live in a country that respects my right to marry another woman.  Toronto is major metropolitan city where our lifestyle is not unusual. I work in a company that has embraced my sexuality -- my office threw a wonderful baby shower for Allison and me.  Not much happens in my daily life to remind me that tolerance is not so widespread.  

This story served as a reminder that such tolerance is not necessarily the norm.


It is is even more poignant given the rash of suicides last year that prompted the It Gets Better campaign. 
   

The need for an inclusive depiction of gay people in culture still exists.  For many teens, seeing people like themselves is important in helping them understand where they fit in. 


The Bean may or may not be gay.  Allison and I don’t care.  But, looking forward, I don’t want him to grow up thinking that our family is wrong or bad because we don’t look like the characters sees portrayed in books or on television.  I want him to see the same diversity he is surrounded with in his life to be reflected in the stories that he reads. 


Please take a few minutes to read the letter and pass it along to a friend. http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/genreville/?p=1519


Please try to embrace and encourage diversity in culture.


The life you save may be your kid's.

It Gets Better

I'm sure many of you have read about the recent epidemic of teens, some gay and some perceived to be gay, who have been bullied to the point where they have decided to take their lives. It's been in the media a lot lately. So has news of Dan Savage's "It Gets Better Project", but I think it's worth mentioning again.

Dan Savage, asked gay men and women to post videos on YouTube talking to younger gay men and women about times when they had been harassed for being gay, and share one simple message with them: IT GETS BETTER. I think this is a brilliant step in promoting support and encouragement to marginalized youth.

You can go here to watch some of the bravest and most inspirational testimonies you'll ever see.

My technical skills are not the best, and although I would like to contribute, I have not yet done so. However, I will say this: I am glad I am here. I remember feeling completely helpless after being kicked out of my home for being gay. For months I felt hollow. I didn't know how I would survive --and there were times I didn't want to. But I am glad I did. As I said in my previous post I have a lot to be thankful for. It does get better.

Interesting Article: Are Father's Necessary?

My father-in-law passed along his copy of The Atlantic to us because he thought we'd find the cover story interesting. This one section, in particular, stood out to me:

On average, lesbian parents spend more time with their children than fathers do. They rate disputes with their children as less frequent than do hetero couples, and describe co-parenting more compatibly and with greater satisfaction. Their kids perceive their parents to be more available and dependable than do the children of heteros. They also discuss more emotional issues with their parents. They have fewer behavioral problems, and show more interest in and try harder at school.

According to Stacey and Biblarz, "Two women who chose to become parents together seemed to provide a double dose of a middle-class 'feminine' approach to parenting.” And, they conclude, “based strictly on the published science, one could argue that two women parent better on average than a woman and a man, or at least than a woman and man with a traditional division of family labor.”
-From The Atlantic, July/August 2010
Are Father's Necessary? by Pamela Paul

I find the first part of the article encouraging. As for the second part, Jen and I have often discussed how glad we are that we're able to avoid traditional gender expectations, particularly around household division of labour. For the most part we take turns doing different tasks, depending on how each of us is feeling that day. I imagine it will be much the same once we have a child. Anyway, I just found it interesting and thought I would share.