Mid-November

Somehow the fall has passed me by. Technically I know that's not true, but there are more leaves on the ground than on the trees and we had our first snowfall last week, so never mind what the calendar says,  it feels like winter has started.

With it came our first illnesses of the season. The Bug vomited in bed a week ago Friday and we've been dealing with all sorts of bodily fluids since then, because of course, just about the time she was starting to feel better the school called to let me know The Bean was feeling sick. I'm completely run down. I've been trying to push through it during the days, but by the evenings even talking is taking the wind out of me and sleep is interrupted by coughing fits throughout the night. I just hope I'm doing better by the time it hits Jen, because despite all the oregano oil she's downing every morning, she's probably next.

I think I owe this blog a summer bucket list update, but summer seems so long ago. I will likely just leave it at that we didn't complete our entire list, but we had a good summer. We were outside a lot. We visited family and friends. We swam and hiked and played and read and chilled and ate about a bazillion popsicles. Just what summers should be.

The kids started back to school without any issues. The Bean was so ready for Grade One. His teacher is a little more no-nonsense than last year's, but that's okay for him. He's been happy to be able to do "Kilometer Club" at recess and participate in some of the activities kindergarteners are excluded from. He's been acing his spelling tests every week. With the exception of a girl in his class who seems to enjoy annoying him, he doesn't have any complaints about school. Buggy is also doing well. She seems more confident than she was last year. I worry a little about her academic skills, but I have been reminding myself that had she been born a week later she'd be a grade below where she is. She's funny and clever and very sweet and has a wickedly good memory, she just doesn't read yet. I'm sure she'll get there. It's hard not to compare. Parent/Teacher interviews are on Thursday night. We'll get the official school updates then.

Speaking of the school, I took on the role of School Council Chair this year. There wasn't anyone who wanted to step forward, so I thought since I'm already there so often and pretty involved already it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Silly me. (Though, to be fair, I was a little mislead by the previous chair, who assured me it was only "an hour or two" of work a week. More like and hour or two a day...) Anyway, all that to say my free time has been a lot less free, keeping up on emails, and insurance documents, and fundraising plans, etc. etc. I keep thinking things will  settle down, but I at this point I'm starting to realize that's probably wishful thinking.

So, anyway, here we are. Well past summer. Winter and all the holiday and birthday craziness just around the corner. I'm working on wish lists and party planning, and thinking about what to pack when we go down for Thanksgiving next week and what we'll wear for our annual family photos. Things don't ever seem to slow down. But, sickness aside, everything is good. We have a week of vacation to look forward to. We have an almost-five-year old who is obsessed with unicorns and mermaids, likes conducting science experiments, and still snuggles me every morning, and an almost-seven-year old who loves tech-y gadgets, soccer and is a voracious reader. My wife wakes up at 5:30am every day so she can do professional reading, bikes to work in the most colourful bike gear in all of uptown, and despite me not taking complements well, is incredibly sweet and doting and helpful. I have amazing friends. I'm enjoying tutoring and working over lunches at the school. I've got a few good books stacked on my night table. Life is pretty good right now. 

Endings (and Beginnings)

It's closing in on midnight as I'm writing this, which is to say, I should be going to bed, but I'm feeling unsettled and thought coming here might help me  process things a bit.

The school year is wrapping up. The students are now finished and it's just paperwork and cleaning up the classroom. I had hoped to finish my report cards by tonight, but that's still a pretty far way off from happening. Oh, how I hate writing report cards. There's never enough space to say anything really significant so I agonize over what to include and how to phrase it. I wonder if the parents even notice. 

I was unable to make it to the closing ceremonies, which felt a bit odd. I said my goodbyes to the students the day before and also goodbyes and thank yous to the parents who I saw. Everyone was kind, saying what a wonderful year it had been and thanking me for the work I did with their children. 

I haven't said much about it, but things weren't going very well with my sister being here with the kids during the day and we now have another care provider. I wanted things to work out with my sister because: sister. But they just weren't. We were very lucky that we were able to find someone else on very short notice and just for this brief period as I wrap up work. It's been going well. The communication isn't the greatest as she is not a native English speaker, but the kids settled into the new routine without missing a beat and actually seem more settled now than they had been. I feel like they must have been picking up on the tension of the situation before. As a bonus, Jen and I might have a new person we can call on for evening babysitting.  

I am still feeling ambivalent about not having work lined up for the fall. I am, however, looking forward to the summer. Things have been piling up in neglected little piles all over the apartment. Mending. Photo albums (and baby books!) to complete. Enough tiny clothing and plastic toys to warrant a garage sale, though the thought of organizing one is a bit overwhelming at this point. And of course, time with the kids to look forward to. I have been compiling a large list of possible activities and outings. Summer Bucket List post is in the works. ;) 

As for tomorrow, I'm hoping to make it to the lake. I haven't been to the beach for ages, but I've been feeling a pull to go. I feel like I need grounding right now and walking on the sand, looking for pebbles washed smooth and listening to the waves just might do the trick. 

On Not Having to Make a Decision

Last Friday I arrived at work to an email from my VP (who is the Acting Principal, as the Principal is on sick leave) asking me to come in to speak to her when I had a chance.

Earlier that week there had been a minor incident with a child bumping his arm in P.E., which the parents were making into a Very Big Deal, and I was quite concerned that they were going to sue.  Needless to say, I was a bit anxious walking into her office.

She asked me to sit and close the door, and then let me know that unfortunately they wouldn't' be able to offer me a contract for September.  I was relieved that it wasn't about the bumped arm, but both surprised and not surprised about the job.  I knew that enrollment for the fall was way down and hadn't been expecting an offer, except for the fact that the VP had asked me a week or two prior if I'd consider teaching full time.  

I let her know that I understood and thanked her for letting me know.  She was really quite apologetic about the whole thing and very kind in saying how much professional respect she has for me, which I appreciated.  And while I certainly felt nothing like when I was let go from my previous position, I was still a bit disappointed... which surprised me.  I guess it never feels good to lose your job, even if it's a job you're a bit on the fence about.

Jen and I had been discussing the fall and all of the potential situations.  Though things were up in the air, we were operating under the assumption I'd be asked back, at least on a part-time basis.  We had just dropped off registration forms for the kids to go to the daycare in what will be The Bean's school and had been discussing whether it'd be worthwhile for me to work part-time, since after paying for daycare I'd really only be bringing home a few hundred dollars a month. The thing is, I love teaching.  When I'm not teaching I miss it. A lot. I feel depressed. Part-time would have been good as it would have allowed me some time with the kids, but also the fulfillment of working.  And a few hundred dollars extra a month is still a few hundred dollars extra a month.  Full time would have had the benefit of more money, but I was a bit anxious about never being able to touch base with The Bean's teacher and having Sprout away from us all day. And not working, well, it will be tight financially (hopefully I'll qualify for some E.I. for the first little bit at least) and I will miss working, but I will have this time with the kids.  I'll be able to drop off and pick up The Bean from school.  Maybe even bring him home for lunches.  And volunteer in his classroom.  I'll be able to take Sprout to programs and parks and enjoy another year with her before she starts Junior Kindergarten.  So there are certainly positives.  But it's still hard.  

:/

What Will Be, Will Be

The longer I'm away from this space the harder it is to return.  It hasn't been wholly intentional.  Time has been a huge factor lately, to be sure.  In fact, I should be working on work right now, but am feeling a bit unsettled and so ended up here... I've also been feeling a bit more aware of who may be reading.  There are things I've thought about posting about but won't not knowing who may see it.  I've also been thinking about what The Bean and Bug (testing this out as a new blog name that I've been considering for quite a while, as it is what we call her at least 60% of the time IRL) may think of this in five, ten, twenty years.  I don't think I've over-shared to an extent where they would feel uncomfortable with what is "out there," but I can't say that definitively.  Of course, this includes images as well as words.  My beautiful children.  How could I not want to share those faces with the world, but then, back to who may be seeing it...

Having been away, it's hard to know where to begin.  We're a few months off from the half-year updates on each of the kids, but I feel like there have been so many changes with them since their birthdays.  It's a constant wonder watching these two learn and grow.  We have no more babies in our home.  Bug will very specifically tell you that she is a little ("widdle") girl.  And The Bean, while petite, is not little at all.  His face is changing.  The way he speaks in changing.  His thought processes are changing.  

They are both at pretty great stages right now.  Sure, there is stubbornness and defiance, but moreover there are questions and cuddles and adventures to be had.  Also, the sibling love.  Oh, there is nothing better than to see these two small people grab each other in a big bear hug or listen to them have a conversation.

Right now things are in flux.  Jen starts a new job in two weeks.  She wasn't really looking, but the opportunity presented itself and there it was.  We both think it will be a good change.  But we're both somewhat change-adverse so there is an element of tension in the not knowing exactly what it will be like.  I am also looking for work.  There are so, so few opportunities.  I would be very happy to find something, but I honestly think I would also be okay if I didn't get anything for the fall.  (But only for the one year while they're not yet both in school.)  I miss the kids.  Having someone else watch them, even if that someone else is family and loves them to bits, is hard.  Having the days with Bug and not having to worry about childcare would be nice.  It'd also be nice to be able to pick up The Bean at 3:30pm and still have the afternoon with him.  Let the kids have that time together.  Go to parks or paint or bake cookies, instead of rushing home to make dinner and give baths and tuck into bed.  ...but maybe I'm really just psyching myself up for not getting a job.  Finding the silver lining of that situation.  The silver lining does seem pretty sparkly though.  In any case, what will be will be.

Beyond that I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment.  Maybe another update soon... there are some thoughts bumping around in my brain that I would probably benefit from getting down in print.  And, of course, some pretty cute photos to share.

Accepting Challenges

Aside from The Bean fighting a bit of stomach bug, the past few weeks have been good.  For the first time since September I've felt relaxed.  My new half-time schedule seems to be an ideal balance between being home and spending time with the kids and teaching which fulfills me in a way that is hard to describe.  Not that I've been completely on top of things at work, or that our home is now immaculate, or that I've been doing Pinterest-worthy activities with the kids everyday.  Those things will never happen, but it has been better.  

Which is why I'm a bit worried.  It's been about a week now since I was presented with an opportunity.  In many ways it is a great opportunity --something I think I'm well-suited for and which I will enjoy.  But it's also going to disrupt the balance that I've achieved for the first time in months largely because of my decreased work schedule.

The school that I am currently teaching at is affiliated with a school in China that wants to open four new classrooms for children ages 2, 3, 4 and 5 I have been asked to design the curriculum for the four grades. Only, it's the kind of being asked that doesn't really feel like you're being given a choice. Both my vice-principal and principal independently told the owner of the school that they think I am the ideal candidate for this job, which is flattering, but also overwhelming.  

I have passed up opportunities for job growth/change in the past because I was afraid of the challenge and regretted it so I have committed to "doing my best" which is a pretty big commitment given that I'm a perfectionist.  In fact, when I told the owner of the school that I would do my best, he said, "From what I've heard, your best should be more than acceptable."  

(Fortunately my VP told the owner of the school that there would be no way he could convince me to go to China and train the teachers there, so I don't have to worry about saying no to that one.)

So, here we go...

A Month In

*Exhale*

Wow.  I am nearly a month into this new gig.  I am still getting my footing, but not as shaky as I was the last time I updated.  Fortunately I no longer feel like accepting the job may have been a huge mistake.  It was, most certainly, a lot to take on.  It's only really been in the past week that I haven't felt like I'm only a period ahead of where I need to be.  I'm starting to be able to look at things a few days out and am hoping that by the end of the week I'll be planning at least a week in advance.  Hopefully I'll be able to start doing some better teaching this way.  A lot of what has been provided is mediocre at best.  I don't like feeling like I'm doing a mediocre job.

The students and I are figuring each other out.  I made a girl in my class cry today.  I felt terribly, but I also feel like it'll probably be a good thing that it happened overall.  I was walking them through a worksheet (mediocre teaching, right there) and she and a few others kept chatting.  After asking them to be more attentive several times, I stopped and said that it appeared they didn't feel that they needed my guidance, and told them to go complete the work on their own.  Not my finest moment, but honestly I had reached my limit.  I'm hoping they remember this tomorrow and when I'm talking that they listen.

The Bean and Sprout have been doing really well with the transition.  The Bean, overall, seems to have taken on a "helper" role when my sister is here watching them.  Not so much doing things for the little ones, but doing things for himself, like putting his dirty plate in the sink without being asked, or tidying up his toys.  He gets a lot of praise for it and seems quite proud of himself.  I am so glad.  Sprout is also doing well.  She doesn't cry when I leave anymore and is going down for naps without nursing first, though she starts demanding "nurse" as soon as I walk through the door most nights.  Sometimes I oblige, other times I try to hold her off so that she'll eat dinner (and so that I can make dinner).  It's hard to know what to do.

I couldn't be doing any of this without Jen.  She has continued riding her bike into work in this freezing October weather so that I can have the car, even though my work is much closer.  She gets the kids fed, and often dressed, and always entertained in the morning while I scramble to get ready for work.  She's changed her hours on Wednesdays so that she can be home with the kids while my sister take her son to his program.  We are both exhausted more than 100% of the time, but she certainly couldn't be doing anything to make things easier on me.  She is so good to me.  I don't know what I would do without her.

Though I would love to write more about the kids, about this change, about a zillion other things (I'm talking about you, Summer Bucket List and Project 52), I really should go to bed now.  It'd be the first night I've gone to bed before midnight in, well, nearly a month.  I don't think I should pass up that opportunity.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words about the new position.

Overdue -The Big News

I tried to write this post last night, but it was nearly midnight and my better judgement won out.  Tonight it's only 11pm, so I'm promising myself that I will keep this quick, but I do feel not only overdue but also obligated (in the best of ways) to make this update.

In my last post I hinted that there was the potential of change on the horizon.  It came.  Much more quickly than expected.  

A few weeks ago a school that I had been substitute teaching at reached out to me about an LTO (long term occasional) maternity leave position teaching Grade One full time mid-November through January and then in the afternoons only from January until June.  I went in for an interview and it felt like it was almost an offer, rather than an interview.  They had me in for an observation and I was waiting to hear whether I would be offered the position or not.  I was caught a bit off guard to get a call from the principal on a Saturday.  He asked me if I could start Monday (September 29th).  I wasn't prepared (at all) but starting six weeks earlier than expected didn't feel like a reason to turn it down.

A few days later I wasn't so sure.  

The kids were really good, but those first few days were hairy.  There was so little prepared, no sense of organization that I could figure out, no prep time to prepare or figure things out  A classful of student to be accountable to, never mind parents or administration.  I felt as if I had made a terrible mistake.  (To say nothing of leaving the kids.)

Now, almost ten days in I am feeling slightly better.  Slightly.  Things are marginally more organized.  I am finding what few resources do exist.  There is still no prep time.  No money.  The parents and administration have been understanding, but I know it won't be too much longer until I'm expected to be caught up and to keep up.  

I am hoping that this was the right move.  It is giving me experience in a grade I haven't taught outside of my practicum experience.  It will close the hole that could have otherwise been quite large on my resume.  I only have seven Grade One students and they seem like Good Kids --kind, pretty keen, quite bright, respectful, etc.  (though I also teach a few SKs for Math and all the Grade Twos for History/Geography and Physical Education).

I am struggling with the "core curriculum" model that this school uses.  It is so vastly different than the IB model and honestly isn't a good fit for me from what I have seen so far.  I'm trying to think of ways that I can bring more of the IB elements in.  Of course, there is no time to think.  (For those to whom this comes across as as gobbledygook: core curriculum is very "facts" based whereas the IB strives to put things into context and look at larger and more open-ended questions.)

So forgive my sudden disappearance.  I am neck-deep in subtraction problems, Canadian Geography, line dancing, and Roald Dahl books.  

The Bean and Sprout are adjusting well.  My sister, aka their favourite aunt, is watching them during the days along with her own little guy.  It has been a huge relief to have her and to know that they are in good hands.  

And because y'all are so patient, here are some cute kid pics from the weekend...

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.

Overall it's a non-event in our two-mom household, but I have found myself thinking about fathers and other father-types the past few days.  

Yesterday afternoon Jen put on some music and we were dancing around the living room with the kids.  Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al came on.  I'm sure this was intentional on Jen's part.  She knows the memories this song holds for me.  I'm six years old and standing on my dad's feet, curls tickling my back as I look up at his face.  Giggling as we both sing "I can call you Betty/ And Betty when you call me/ You can call me Al/ You can call me Al."  His name is Allan, aka "Al", and though no one ever calls me Al, I still like the joke of him being called Betty.  The Bean and Sprout don't yet know the words, but they giggle as I spin them around the living room, singing loudly and off key.  

Earlier this week Jen's dad reassured me that though things are difficult right now I will never regret  having this time with the kids.  He poured me a whiskey and put on a TV show I could laugh at.  

These men, they're good men.  Our fathers and father-in-laws.  Grandpas and Poppies.  We are lucky to have them.

And though he's not a father to us or our children, I've found myself thinking about our donor.  His reasons for doing what he did.  The gift that he's given us in these children that he will likely never know.  I wish I could thank him.  

While our kids will never have a father to give homemade cards that look like dress shirts with a tie to, there is certainly no shortage of good men in their lives.  Men to show our appreciation to on this day.  One day they might feel like they're missing something other kids have, but I hope it won't be long after that that they'll be able to recognize what they have that other kids might not:  Great grandfathers.  Generous strangers.  And a lot of other people who love them very, very much.  

Oh So Quiet

We had snowfall overnight.  With Sprout napping and the Christmas tree all lit up, it feels so quiet.  A second cup of tea is in order, but I hate to get up of the couch to make one.  Plus, I'm sure the little one will be up soon, and I best take advantage of this time to write, if I'm going to write...

It has been a while.

...And with that she woke up.  She is back asleep now.  A little nursing and a little rocking did the trick.  Usually she doesn't go back down in the morning, so this may be a shorter-than-intended updated, but we'll see what I can manage.

And it gave me a chance to get that second cup of tea.

Anyway, I didn't intend on being away from this space for so long.  First The Bean got sick.  We were back and forth to the doctor and up at nights with coughing and stuffy noses.  He recovered just as the others three of us started coming down with the same thing.  We're closing out week two now and hoping that it's over soon.  We're all tired of feeling this way.

In the mean time I fell off the photo challenge wagon.  I haven't been great about taking photos lately at all... I thought the challenge would inspire me a bit, but I guess it was just too, well, challenging.  I think I just need to get back into the habit of keeping the camera close by and taking it with us when we go out.  This is a pretty time of year and The Bean and Sprout are changing so quickly, so hopefully that is inspiration enough.

This past weekend we celebrated Sprout's first birthday.  How we are almost at a year with this little girl, I just don't understand.  It seems like just yesterday we were bringing home our "darling, darling".  Though in many ways it also feels like she has always been here.

And The Bean.  He will excitedly remind you that his birthday is coming next.  He makes us laugh, this little guy.  Everyday he has been reminding us to turn the Christmas lights on and undecorates and redecorates the tree.  Recently he been sitting on his nest, taking care of his eggs (egg shakers that St. Nicholas left).  He talks about friends at preschool and other friends which we are pretty sure he has made up.  He asks us to read him book after book.  He stomps around in his loud boots and roars in his dino pajamas.

We celebrated (American) Thanksgiving in PA.  I believe there were 17 of us around the table.  The kids were doted on by older cousins, aunts and uncles, and of course their grandparents and great grandparents.  Both kids were really good for the long car ride.  Sprout cut her top two incisors while we were there.  We're looking forward to going back at Christmastime.

I'm still job hunting.  My name is on a few sub lists, though I have yet to get a call.  I should probably get on a few more.  I also need to apply to the boards.  This is when the hiring for next fall begins.  It's totally overwhelming and so hard not to feel discouraged.  If I don't find a teaching position I need to figure out what I'm going to do.

Christmas season is upon us.  Most of the gifts have been bought and wrapped.  I'm hoping to get a little bit of holiday baking in.  My best friend requested ginger cookies, and making those for her is the least I can do...

It's taken me into the second nap time to finish this up and there are a lot of around the house chores to get done.  I will try to updated again sooner.

Slowing Down

Yesterday and today Sprout has actually taken a reasonable afternoon nap, so I'm getting to post.  I thought about it yesterday, but didn't want to start when I was sure that she would be up in another minute.  Today I'm going to try to seize the opportunity while it's here.  The only problem is that I've got so many half-formed ideas floating around in my head that I'm not sure what to post about.  I feel like I've developed ADD since having children.  I think about something, but then it's interrupted by another though.  Conversations are the same.  (Usually interrupted by a certain almost three-year-old boy who seems to think that shouting "Excuse me, Mama Mommy!" grants him permission to speak, whether or not we were done.  Proper etiquette is a work in progress around here.)  Unless I write things down I'm bound to forget them.  The only problem is that I often forget where I've left my notebook and/or pen.

There's really not a whole lot to update on.  We're gearing up for the holidays.  I think Jen and I have actually finished Christmas (and birthday) shopping for the kids.  Now we just need to take inventory and decide what's being given when.  

There's not much on my wish list this year.  It seems to get shorter every year.  I always have a thousand books I want to read, but considering I'm still making it through the book I started in June it feels silly to ask for another.  Tea and wool are always nice, but I don't really need more.  Some time with the family and with Jen are the things I want most.  I'm hoping that we can convince Jen's parents to watch the kiddos when we're there over Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.  I don't think it will be hard.  

We've been purging baby items.  There have been a number of donations made and I've been listing things on Craigslist and various Facebook groups.  It's a bit of a hassle, but I'm glad to have the space freed up as each swing, bouncer and Boppy makes it's way out of our door.  The extra money certainly doesn't hurt either.  

Winter is coming.  Other than the anxiety of not knowing what next in terms of work, I've actually been enjoying the season passing.  Fall is my favourite, and it's winding down slowly.  The skies are grey and there are big piles of leaves on the ground.  Everyone seems to be staying inside, so my walks with Sprout are quiet.  We chat away to each other about the squirrels and the birds.  She loves to be pushed on the swing until her cheeks are bright red from the cold air.  

I've been enjoying extra cups of tea in the afternoon and am starting to try to make soups in the crockpot on Fridays to last us through our weekend lunches.  (Feel free to share your favourite recipes!)

I need to try to model my thinking after the season and take some time to slow down.  

*I've been bad about taking and posting photos lately too, even though this really is such a beautiful time of the year.  I'm going to try to work on that.  These kids are getting big way too fast.  I want to try to capture them now so that I don't forget.

It's Official

My maternity leave is over.

It's true what they say about maternity leave in Canada being awesome.  To explain it simply, as long as you have paid into EI, you are eligible for maternity and/or parental benefits (52 weeks combined!).

Unless your employer tops up, you probably won't be making as much as when you were working, but still, it's not bad!

The timing of Sprout birth actually ended up being really good for us, because even though I had been let go from my job, I still had enough hours of work from the year leading up to her due date to qualify for benefits.

You can start benefits before your due date, so not knowing whether I might be returning to work before the 52 weeks were up, I opted to start early.  Unfortunately, that also means my benefits have ended before she is a year old.

I got notice of my last mat. leave payment this week.

And not that it wasn't real before, but now the whole "unemployed" thing is really real.  And pretty darn terrifying.

I love being able to be home with Sprout.  I also miss working.  If I hadn't been let go, I would be going back to teaching around now, since your position has to be held for you.  But I was and there's nothing to go back to.  That means I need to find work A.S.A.P.

I've been keeping an eye on job sites for a while now, but not a whole lot has come up.  What has come up I've applied for.  I've even had a few interviews, but nothing has worked out.  I can't keep holding out hope for a full time teaching position.

Today I took the first step towards finding something different.  I called and got put on a substitute list at my old school.  Tomorrow I'll call a few more schools and see about getting put on their lists.  After that I'm not sure.  Maybe it's time to start looking for tutoring gigs.  Or even nannying.  Or maybe working retail --the holiday season is coming up, someone is bound to hire me, right?  I don't know.  It's quite scary.  We can't afford to live on one income, so I need to find something.  Please keep your fingers crossed for us that that something comes up soon.

(Also, a HUGE thank you to the readers who have contacted us about opportunities they've though I might be interested in.  I can't even begin to tell you how appreciated it is.  I'm so glad to be a part of this community.  You guys are the best.)

Vulnerability

Despite the title, this was meant to be an optimistic post.  I was truly touched by everyone who reached out after my post about post partum depression.  It wasn't something that was easy for me to share, but doing so made me feel a little lighter.  A little less sad. 

Just after posting it I saw this TED Talk.  It resonated.  I felt even further convinced that sharing had been the right thing to do and that I was on my way to feeling okay again. 

But I don't think it's going to be that easy.  This weekend was bad.  It should have been a lovely weekend.  We had lots of wonderful things going on.  But it seemed like everything I did I f*ed up.  My best friend was visiting.  But even with her here, most of the time I still felt like we were hundreds of miles apart.  Like there was nothing I had to say that she would be interested in. 

The Bean has become a major procrastinator around bedtime and we've been trying to be more firm, but last night when he was calling out to us, I went into his room and rocked him.  I needed to feel his arms around me and his head heavy on my shoulder.  I needed it more than he did, even though he was the one asking to be rocked.  I'm so thankful for these children, because though I've felt overwhelmed recently, they anchor me.  They remind me to focus on this moment.  I find reassurance in their unsolicited "I love you Mamas" and milky smiles. 

The apartment is a mess.  There are multiple loads of laundry that need to be done.  If I don't make it a priority, I am going to be behind on my course.  So, I should probably get to all that.  I just wanted to update quickly to say thank you.  I've been quieter than usual lately, and probably will be for a little while yet, but I'm reading along and will try to check in every once in a while still (with more than photos).

One final note: I didn't get the Kindergarten position I interviewed for.  No word from the other schools either.  There are few more postings I will apply for, but I'm feeling pretty discouraged. 

Job Prospect(s) Update

A few people have asked, so I thought I should do a quick update on the job prospect I posted about here, and mention a few other potential opportunities that have come up.

First: Good news!  I got an interview for the kindergarten position!  The interview is not until the end of this month as (most) private schools here have a two week long March Break.  There's certainly things I need to do to prepare myself, but I'm not as anxious about it as I was last year when I interviewed for the girls' school.

Speaking of which, I found out that I definitely would have been offered that position when I popped by my old school to let people there know they might be getting reference calls.  Apparently the head of the girls' school told my ex-principal that they would have hired me had I not been pregnant.  I'm not sure when my ex-principal found that out, but it could explain why I wasn't offered any of the non-teaching positions that I know were available at my ex-school this past fall. 

I also found out that the woman who took over the second Senior Kindergarten position was laid off for next fall.  They only have enough students enrolled to have one Senior Kindergarten class next year.  Sounds like things there are going downhill quickly.  So maybe in some ways maybe it is good that I am not there anymore.  (Though if I had been off on mat leave they would have had to give me a position equivalent to the one I had previous to my leave --which means I likely would have ended up teaching a different grade and kept my job.) 

Anyway, there is also another posting for another full-time permanent Senior Kindergarten positon.  Again at a Christian school, this one more religious than the one I have the interview for.  (Which I have since discovered really just has it's roots as an Anglican school, but is non-denominational now, though they still have weekly "chapel.")  It's north of us, rather than west, but really just as far of a commute.  The big bonus of this position is that it doesn't start until Septemeber.  Even knowing that, I would still probablyprefer working at the first school, but I'm still definitely going to apply for this one too.  In fact, I already have. 

However, the best potential may be the third job I've found which is for a Primary/Junior teaching position at a third (completely non-religious) private school.  I have no idea what grade they are trying to fill, which means I may not be as good of a candidate for this job as for the other two, but it's still worth a shot.  The application is due next week.

The only tricky thing is that it is likely that if I am offered the first job, they will want a response before I find out about the second, and perhaps even before I interview for the third (if I do get an interview).  I guess I'll deal with all that if and when it comes up.  I'm just happy to have some potential opportunities right now. 

Oh, also, as if thing aren't busy enough, I enrolled in a course beginning in April.  It's part two of a three part course to become a reading specialist.  It'll probably be a bit overwhelming, but it's not like things are going to get less busy around here, so I figured I might as well get it done now. 

On the Horizon

So, there is a potential job opportunity on the horizon...

This past week I found a listing which I think I am very well suited for.  It's a position teaching Senior Kindergarten at a private school. 

For those new here, I taught Senior Kindergarten at a private school for five years (and Pre-Kindergarten for two years), before being laid off last year.  

I love teaching.  I love the creativity and enthusiasm of five year olds.  I enjoy the benefits that come from working in the private system and am usually happy to manage the added demands. 

However, the job starts in July and I feel so incredibly sad about the prospect of having to find care for our baby when she is only six months old.  I know how ridiculous that must sound to many readers who only get six weeks or so with their newborns, but I always expected to have a year with my baby.  When I got laid off I recognized that I would probably have to go to work when she was nine months old if I wanted a  job, as teachers are almost all hired for a September start-date.  I was prepared to leave her at nine months, if the opportunity presented itself.  I was not prepared to have to leave her at six months.  (I think this position starts in July because the SK program is new to the school and the job will likely involve setting up the classroom and planning the curriculum.)  The idea of leaving our little baby with someone who is not her parent makes my heart break a little bit.  Still, passing up a job that I will likely enjoy and that will provide us with the income we need to take care of our family would be foolish.    

I know I'm getting ahead of myself.  I don't even have an interview, much less a job offer, but I've been thinking about how it would all play out were I offered the position. 

There are a few other issues. 

It is a Christian school and I don't know how they would feel about having a gay teacher on staff.  Technically they can't discriminate, but it could still be uncomfortable.  I would have to think about whether I wanted to be "out" or whether I wanted to keep my personal life private, but I know myself and I know keeping things private would be difficult in a number of ways.  However, if I were out and they had an issue with it, they could just fail to renew my contract at the end of the school year (which could happen anyway).  

The location, although manageable, is also less than ideal.  I could take public transit, but it would be a horrible commute (easily over an hour each way), so we would potentially be looking at purchasing a second vehicle. 

I am still going to apply.  And I do hope that I am offered the job.  Right now the education system here is flooded with qualified teachers looking for jobs... so much so that I cannot even get an interview with the public board.  It would be foolish for me to pass up this opportunity.  Another position to which I am so well suited may not come up.  And, though I really struggle with the thought of leaving Sprout, I still think the pros outweigh the cons.  Still, I wish there weren't any cons to consider.

{this moment} First/Last Field Trip

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

 

Inspired by SouleMama.

Rejection

I have to say, as far as rejection letters go, this one was really nice.

Dear Allison,

We thoroughly enjoyed getting to know you through the interview process and we appreciated your willingness to come in to teach a lesson for us. Our hiring process is now complete. Given your pregnancy, we have filled the SK position with someone who can commit for the entire school year. However, we encourage you to keep in touch with us here at [our school] as an opportunity may come up again in the future.

Best wishes to you as you finish the school year and with your expanding family!

Warm regards,

[Principal]

I was a little surprised at myself.  I knew that I definitely wouldn't get the job given the fact that I chose to disclose my pregnancy because of long-term/future job potential, but I was still really disappointed to get this letter.

The closer the end of the school year gets, the more anxiety I'm feeling about not having a job lined up for the fall.  I've started to try to figure out EI and maternity benefits and what is going to make the most sense and I'm sure it will all work out (somehow) but I wish, wish, wish this weren't the situation.  :/

*Navalgazing* Reflections at Nine+ Weeks Pregnant

Wow.  I've gotten really bad at keeping up with things here. 

The Bean had his 16 month "birthday" on Friday.  We have yet to do the update and his photos, but I will sneakily back post them when we get to it.

We did take a belly picture.  It may have even been Saturday that we took it and I did scribble a few notes in a notebook, but I've had a hard time getting them up on here.

It's been a busy week.  I had a job interview last Tuesday and had a call back to teach a lesson today.  I love, love, LOVE the school but I found out in last week's interview that it is a mat. leave and I just didn't feel right going ahead with the process without telling them I'm expecting, even though it is still a bit early.  So, I taught my lesson today: a discussion on how music affects people's emotions with a group of 18 SK girls.  They were lovely.  At the end we had a few moments and I asked them to reflect on what they liked about the lesson, many of them said they loved all of it.  It made me so happy and so sad at the same time.  I told the principal that I hope that if they don't hire me for this position (which I am sure they won't), that I can substitute there through the fall and that if something comes up later on down the line that I would be considered.  She was very kind and said of course they would and that she appreciated my honesty.  Still, though,  I'm a little heartbroken at the missed opportunity. 

In terms of how I've been feeling, I keep waiting to start feeling better.  I'm not sure if the medication isn't working as well as it did initially, but I find I'm feeling sick much of the time.  Not throwing up, but nauseated.  Super-tired as well.  I'm trying to figure out better timing on taking my pills as I think I'm waiting too long between my mid-day and evening pills and that that is contributing to the nausea in the afternoons and evenings.

Jen has been amazing.  She's really been stepping up to take care of The Bean and I haven't been able to do anything in return.

I've been reading along in the pregnancy journal that we kept when Jen was pregnant and comparing how I feel now to how she felt then.  It seems like it was around this point that she started having some better days.  My sister, on the other hand, continued to feel sick until about 16 weeks.  I guess we'll see where I end up falling.

In about a month things will really calm down around here.  The interview-y job stuff is over for the time being, but I still am working on an online course, have to finish out the school year and write report cards and complete e-portfolios for each of my students.  We're going to PA this weekend to visit in in-family.  I'm looking forward to it, but also sort of wish it were just going to be a quiet weekend.   I know The Bean will be over the moon to see Grandma and Grandpa (both of which he now says!) so that will make it all more than worthwhile. 

And since I might not be updating next week because of the trip, I may as well mention that we had our first midwife appointment.  It was really low-key.  With The Bean we had a list of 20 or more questions and this time I felt like we were just chit-chatting with an old friend (same midwife, at least for the beginning! Yay!).  Kinda' funny to think about, but also very nice to be less nervous about everything.  She booked us an ultrasound for the first week of June, so hopefully we'll get some nice baby pictures then. :) 

Updated with nine week belly photo:

BFN

Two home tests and an early period make it pretty obvious that our first TTC#2 attempt was not successful.  With everything that's been going on work-wise and the stress I've been under we've decided to take a break this cycle and so I can try to get a bit more settled emotionally before trying again, hopefully in March.  I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. 

What I didn't blog about

So, what I didn't blog about last week is that on Sunday we did my first IUI attempt.  After getting the Very Bad News, we spent Friday and Saturday thinking hard about whether to go ahead with the insemination or not, but ultimately decided to try.  We agreed that if we decided to put things on hold because of my layoff we could end up  waiting a long time for it to be the "right" time again.  While the situation could be better, we will manage.  In some ways, getting pregnant now (or soon) could be better than putting it off in terms of my work situation.

I've been wavering back and forth between thinking that the insemination worked and thinking that there's no way it could have worked with the stress that I've been under.  (On Tuesday my body literally started shaking when some of my co-workers were talking to me about the situation.)  Even though we're trying to watch our spending now more than ever, I think I will pick up a pregnancy test when I go out grocery shopping and try to wait until Wednesday (10 days post-insemination) to take it.  Please keep your fingers crossed for us that we have a tough and sticky little baby in there. 

Chicken Pox

Last Monday, Jen and The Bean came to pick me up from school. This is always a big treat, not only for me, but for the students in my class.

They love hearing about The Bean and seeing new photos of him on my computer. They draw him pictures at the art table, asking me what his favourite colour is and what he likes. So, when we brought him into the classroom many of them rushed over to see him, vying for his attention and trying to make him smile. They we holding his hands and stroking his hair. It's very sweet to see them interact so positively with him.


Art from one of the students in my class. We tape it up on the wall behind where Jen breastfeeds. The Bean loves looking at the bright colours.

On Tuesday, one of the little boys in my class was scratching at his back quite vigorously. It's allergy season and I've been getting a lot of complaints about itchy eyes and stuffy noses. An itchy back was a new one though.

I told him to come over and asked if I could take a look. Up between his shoulder blades were three little red bumps. My first thought was, "Oh no! Chicken pox!!" But most kids these days are vaccinated. I took him next door to my teaching partner, a mother of three young children. The principal also happened to be in her room. We showed them his back, and they both seemed to think it was just mosquito bites (which was what I was hoping). We sent him to the Nurse's Office where they put some anti-itch cream on it.

Later in the afternoon he told me that now his underarm was itchy. I took another look and there were about five more little red bumps down his side. This time I KNEW it was chicken pox. I sent him back to the Nurse's Office and asked them to call his mom. She came quickly, and took him to the doctor who confirmed things.

I had chicken pox when I was in kindergarten, so I'm not concerned about getting them myself. But all the public health literature and information from online I've read says that the most contagious period is the two days before the pox appear.

In other words, Monday. The day The Bean was at school and the kids were all over him.

We called our doctor who said just to play it by ear for now. There's a two to three week incubation period. We're watching for any signs of a fever or marks on The Bean's body. (Note from Jen: watching...obsessing, is there a difference?)

Fortunately breastfed babies are at lower risk. We're keeping our fingers crossed that he doesn't get it. He hasn't been sick yet (knock wood) and this would be a hell of a first illness.

Let us know your tips for dealing with chicken pox, fevers or other illnesses!