Despite the title, this was meant to be an optimistic post. I was truly touched by everyone who reached out after my post about post partum depression. It wasn't something that was easy for me to share, but doing so made me feel a little lighter. A little less sad.
Just after posting it I saw this TED Talk. It resonated. I felt even further convinced that sharing had been the right thing to do and that I was on my way to feeling okay again.
But I don't think it's going to be that easy. This weekend was bad. It should have been a lovely weekend. We had lots of wonderful things going on. But it seemed like everything I did I f*ed up. My best friend was visiting. But even with her here, most of the time I still felt like we were hundreds of miles apart. Like there was nothing I had to say that she would be interested in.
The Bean has become a major procrastinator around bedtime and we've been trying to be more firm, but last night when he was calling out to us, I went into his room and rocked him. I needed to feel his arms around me and his head heavy on my shoulder. I needed it more than he did, even though he was the one asking to be rocked. I'm so thankful for these children, because though I've felt overwhelmed recently, they anchor me. They remind me to focus on this moment. I find reassurance in their unsolicited "I love you Mamas" and milky smiles.
The apartment is a mess. There are multiple loads of laundry that need to be done. If I don't make it a priority, I am going to be behind on my course. So, I should probably get to all that. I just wanted to update quickly to say thank you. I've been quieter than usual lately, and probably will be for a little while yet, but I'm reading along and will try to check in every once in a while still (with more than photos).
One final note: I didn't get the Kindergarten position I interviewed for. No word from the other schools either. There are few more postings I will apply for, but I'm feeling pretty discouraged.