Monday, April 20, 2015

What Will Be, Will Be

The longer I'm away from this space the harder it is to return.  It hasn't been wholly intentional.  Time has been a huge factor lately, to be sure.  In fact, I should be working on work right now, but am feeling a bit unsettled and so ended up here... I've also been feeling a bit more aware of who may be reading.  There are things I've thought about posting about but won't not knowing who may see it.  I've also been thinking about what The Bean and Bug (testing this out as a new blog name that I've been considering for quite a while, as it is what we call her at least 60% of the time IRL) may think of this in five, ten, twenty years.  I don't think I've over-shared to an extent where they would feel uncomfortable with what is "out there," but I can't say that definitively.  Of course, this includes images as well as words.  My beautiful children.  How could I not want to share those faces with the world, but then, back to who may be seeing it...

Having been away, it's hard to know where to begin.  We're a few months off from the half-year updates on each of the kids, but I feel like there have been so many changes with them since their birthdays.  It's a constant wonder watching these two learn and grow.  We have no more babies in our home.  Bug will very specifically tell you that she is a little ("widdle") girl.  And The Bean, while petite, is not little at all.  His face is changing.  The way he speaks in changing.  His thought processes are changing.  

They are both at pretty great stages right now.  Sure, there is stubbornness and defiance, but moreover there are questions and cuddles and adventures to be had.  Also, the sibling love.  Oh, there is nothing better than to see these two small people grab each other in a big bear hug or listen to them have a conversation.

Right now things are in flux.  Jen starts a new job in two weeks.  She wasn't really looking, but the opportunity presented itself and there it was.  We both think it will be a good change.  But we're both somewhat change-adverse so there is an element of tension in the not knowing exactly what it will be like.  I am also looking for work.  There are so, so few opportunities.  I would be very happy to find something, but I honestly think I would also be okay if I didn't get anything for the fall.  (But only for the one year while they're not yet both in school.)  I miss the kids.  Having someone else watch them, even if that someone else is family and loves them to bits, is hard.  Having the days with Bug and not having to worry about childcare would be nice.  It'd also be nice to be able to pick up The Bean at 3:30pm and still have the afternoon with him.  Let the kids have that time together.  Go to parks or paint or bake cookies, instead of rushing home to make dinner and give baths and tuck into bed.  ...but maybe I'm really just psyching myself up for not getting a job.  Finding the silver lining of that situation.  The silver lining does seem pretty sparkly though.  In any case, what will be will be.

Beyond that I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment.  Maybe another update soon... there are some thoughts bumping around in my brain that I would probably benefit from getting down in print.  And, of course, some pretty cute photos to share.