Disappointed

This is a hard post for me to write, for a few reasons:  I really try not to focus on negative things in this space and  I also try not to criticize others.  I'm going to do a bit of both here.  This is a subject I've avoided blogging in the past, but in light of what's happened the over the past few weeks I feel like I need this space to process things a bit.  I may end up taking it down.  I worry about who might stumble across this and what implications that could have, but for now I need to get this out and have it heard.

There are a few issues at play.  I'm going to try not to be too mumbly jumbly in my thoughts, but consider this a fair warning.  

So...

Growing up I was quite close with my mom.  I was surprised and also very sad when she kicked me out of the house.  I consider that incident a turning point in our relationship.  Prior to that I really did believe that she loved us (her kids) unconditionally, as she had always told us she did.  Afterwards I questioned it.  There have been incidences since then that have made me question some of the other things I always believed were innate to her character.  This goes beyond a child not recognizing their parent as a "whole" person.  Sometimes I honestly wonder if she was ever the person she said/I thought she was.

Always, but more notably since the kids have been born, she has made a point of saying how family is her number one priority.  To be fair, she has visited more often and also helped out a little with cleaning and the like from time to time since the little ones were born.  Last week, when I hurt my eye I honestly didn't know how I would make it through the day without help.  Jen stayed home Monday, but I still wanted someone around on Tuesday.  I called my mom.  She explained that she had a big meeting for the volunteer committee she chairs on Wednesday and that she had to prep for it, and so she wouldn't be able to come.  She also explained that leaving her dog would be hard.  I offered to pay to board the dog for the day, but she still said she couldn't do it.  I understand that her committee is important to her, but it still hurt to hear that she wouldn't come help when I really needed it.  I'm usually quite happy to have her come when she offers, but I rarely ask.

Still feeling like I needed someone, I called Jen's mom.  Without a second of hesitation she said she would be there.  I got my aunt to come help with the kids in the morning.  And my mother-in-law arrived just after the kids got up from their naps in the afternoon.  She stayed until Saturday, so that I could have a full week with help --being able to rest when I needed it.  Having someone available to drive since I wasn't cleared to.  Playing with the kids.  Cleaning up.  Preparing meals.  Everything.  And not one word about any plans she had to cancel or complaints about sleeping on our couch or the cost of gas or having to drive all that way.  Not one.  In fact, she seemed excited to be there.  Happy that I would ask her for help.  The thing is, with her I am not one bit surprised.  She has proven time and time again that she would bend over backwards to do what she can to help us and the kids.

And even though I am not surprised and I am exceedingly grateful, I also feel sad about it.  I want to have the mother who will do this for me.  For my family.  Even though I both love and like my MIL to a degree that most people find perplexing, it's hard to know that my mom isn't willing to do the same.

Right now I would do anything that I thought our kids needed me to do.  I hope that this doesn't change as they grow up.  I want them to know that they can count on my for both love and support.  I know what it feels like to not be able to do that, and it's not a good feeling.

*Jen pointed out that I didn't explain that my mom lives just over an hour away while her parents are nearly six hours away.  So the fact that my mom wouldn't come and her mom would is that much more notable.