Despite the title, this was meant to be an optimistic post. I was truly touched by everyone who reached out after my post about post partum depression. It wasn't something that was easy for me to share, but doing so made me feel a little lighter. A little less sad.
Just after posting it I saw this TED Talk. It resonated. I felt even further convinced that sharing had been the right thing to do and that I was on my way to feeling okay again.
But I don't think it's going to be that easy. This weekend was bad. It should have been a lovely weekend. We had lots of wonderful things going on. But it seemed like everything I did I f*ed up. My best friend was visiting. But even with her here, most of the time I still felt like we were hundreds of miles apart. Like there was nothing I had to say that she would be interested in.
The Bean has become a major procrastinator around bedtime and we've been trying to be more firm, but last night when he was calling out to us, I went into his room and rocked him. I needed to feel his arms around me and his head heavy on my shoulder. I needed it more than he did, even though he was the one asking to be rocked. I'm so thankful for these children, because though I've felt overwhelmed recently, they anchor me. They remind me to focus on this moment. I find reassurance in their unsolicited "I love you Mamas" and milky smiles.
The apartment is a mess. There are multiple loads of laundry that need to be done. If I don't make it a priority, I am going to be behind on my course. So, I should probably get to all that. I just wanted to update quickly to say thank you. I've been quieter than usual lately, and probably will be for a little while yet, but I'm reading along and will try to check in every once in a while still (with more than photos).
One final note: I didn't get the Kindergarten position I interviewed for. No word from the other schools either. There are few more postings I will apply for, but I'm feeling pretty discouraged.
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I'm sorry it's been rough. Have you talked to your doctor? Maybe there is something you could take to help get you through this?
ReplyDeleteJob hunting is hard and discouraging. It has taken me a while to find a job sometimes and it can feel like nobody wants you. I bet there is something perfect out there for you and it will come along at the right time and be just what you want.
So sorry to hear about your rough patches recently. I know that it's hard. I fought with my own mild version of PPD and it's no fun. I hope all works out for you and I know that you will alright!
ReplyDeleteI find that things seem "better" when I release them into the blog world. I am glad you felt safe enough and supported enough to come here and share.
ReplyDeleteI know things are tough right now, but now that you are doing the best you can for those precious babies and in the end that is all that matters. I have faith in you and IT WILL get better. Summer is going to bring sunshine and laughter to your heart and home, I feel it.
I love Ted Talks, so many poignant pieces. This one was especially good, thanks for sharing. Im happy to hear that you felt a little less sad after posting though
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are a little rough right now, remember to take some deep breaths and take things one moment at a time. The laundry can get done, and the house can get clean, and you can do your course - one step at a time.
I am sorry for how things are going for you right now. I am glad you are taking what you need, re: the night time cuddle rock. I am sure that the stresses of job hunting while you are supposed to be focusing on other things is taking a huge toll on you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you did not get the job :( Everything will work out in time. I am glad you are willing to create a dialogue about how you are feeling while things are not at their best.
Thank you. I was just catching up on posts and realized that I'd missed your PPD post. All of those feelings you describe perfectly describe my first two months. The things that changed it for me were hitting a point where I started to get more sleep and returning to work. Some days I still feel overwhelmed by the fact that I would not be able to do for my child the thing that his daycare provider does so effortlessly (for more than just my little one, too!). It is so hard to want a child so much and then have them arrive only to feel completely incapacitated by their presence. Thank you for sharing your experience. There is such reassurance in knowing none of us are the "only one".
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