Today is Blogging for LGBT Families Day. I've been neck-deep in a paper on phonics instruction in the primary grades and wasn't really planning on writing anything non-phonics related, but my brain needs a break, so here I am. Plus, I've been thinking all weekend about this incident, so maybe talking about it here will help me be able to let it go a little bit.
On Friday evening there was a get together for a teacher I used to work with, so Jen stayed home with The Bean and Sprout and I went to the party. (Dinner and bedtime can be full-on when we're at a 2:2 ratio, I didn't feel right leaving her with both kiddos, though I'm sure she would have managed.) Many of my former co-workers were there and they all oohed and ahhed over Sprout. Many people also asked after The Bean, so I got to boast about both children.
Another woman and her partner arrived with their three week old baby. I struck up a brief conversation with the new dad as I was grabbing a few strawberries at the buffet. He casually asked if Sprout was my first child. I explained that no, she wasn't my first, but that my wife had carried our son. (It's true what they say about constantly having to out yourself after you have children.) He asked, "How old is your daughter?" I thought nothing of the question and simply replied, "Five months." He then asked how old "her son" --as in my wife's son-- was. I was floored. This is the first time anyone who I've explained our family situation to has treated me like our son was not mine. I calmly responded that our son is nearly two and a half. He didn't acknowledge the correction.
I am still upset.
Maybe I should have been more overt in stating that The Bean is most definitely my son, every bit as much as he is my wife's. Or maybe it's better that I didn't make a big deal out of it. I don't know. What would you have done?
ugh. i hate that he did that, and that he didn't feel IMMEDIATELY incredibly embarrassed for the mistake (i am very forgiving of mortified people). you didn't do anything wrong — it's not worth getting into it with some yahoo you don't even know. in the future, maybe you don't have to be up front about your gestational situation to people like that. it would have been no less true if you'd said no, sprout isn't your first, that you have a 2 1/2 year old son. and then, if/when appropriate, you can mention your wife (if you feel weird about *not* outing yourself automatically). it's none of his damn business anyway. he's an a-hole. i'm sorry he upset you.
ReplyDeleteThose comments are so shocking in the moment that we never react how we would if we'd had time to think. I always correct people because I kind of feel like if I tell them and answer their questions, then maybe the next time they meet a family like ours, they won't have to ask. And it sounds like you did that.
ReplyDeleteI think you handled it well. I've found that people who are not close to my partner and I don't really know how to respond to her pregnancy (I can only imagine the conversations we'll have in the coming years). We will both be standing there, talking about our baby and they will acknowledge and congratulate my partner, but not me. I just keep reminding myself that they don't know, so they say dumb things (or nothing at all) and that our interactions with them will teach them small lessons eventually. That's the hope, at least.
ReplyDeleteYep, people suck. Even when they're not trying to be offensive, they can be. Just last week, I bumped into someone who used to be my next door neighbor (and she's a lovely person but...). I told her we have a 4 year old son now. She asked "whose son is he?" (mind you, I had JUST said WE) and I said "ours" and she asked "adopted or...?" and I said "my wife gave birth." But this was totally none of her business and was really offensive even though I knew she wasn't meaning to be. It's maddening.
ReplyDeleteI think you corrected him as politely and best way possible. Don't let other peoples ignorance get to you.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. I always have to out myself too now that I have a kid AND my wife is preggo with our second. Super insensitive guy. Clearly missing the boat, just know it's about him and not you. His issue, leave it on him.
ReplyDeleteI bet he didn't clue in that he did anything wrong. People are just clueless at times.
ReplyDeleteI am definitely outing myself more often now that I have a kid. I can't believe this man didn't get it. I think you corrected him the best you could have and I likely would have done the same thing. I would like likely said something similar, so you handled it well!
ReplyDelete